@LeviathanPride: Guys at work are always like "why are your shorts so short?" Then I spin kick an inch away from their face with such precision and they know
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@simoncholland: Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
@david8hughes: Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle? Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn't cheap tho
@Redfiascos: I'm always disappointed when I board a plane and there's no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
@StellaGMaddox: My daughter wrote, "I will see you every day of our lives," on my Mother's Day card, so I guess we've resorted to threats now.