Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
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A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased