glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
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You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.