Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
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I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I am never leaving this website
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.