Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
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Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.