@hyperseas: Guys, don't ever tell a girl that she's yummier than a gummy bear, she'll know it's not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
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@hazelmotes1: Aliens are in space right now watching all these movies where Tom Cruise defeats them, and they are laughing so hard one just peed a little.
@_GrahamPatrick: GUY #1: You free next week? GUY #2: Let me just check my dairy. GUY #1: You mean diary yeah? *cow walks by with "dentist 11.30" on it*
@abbycohenwl: [sees old lady drop $20] Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash! Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
@Home_Halfway: COMEDY FAN: Ugh their set was only 95% new material, lame MUSIC FAN: Oh man I hope they play my favorite song that they've played 71,000 times