Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
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Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Cinematography is my passion
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.