Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
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You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*