@TheBoydP: Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
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@OreoSpeedwagon_: Coworker: I need someone in the backfill position Brain: Do. Not. Say. Anything. Me: um hopefully you fill the gap soon Brain: oh dear
@JustinSayne722: Teacher: Who fought in the Civil War? Millennial student: Captain America and Iron Man. T: ....
@whereami18: A woman just asked me to "unpark her car" and now I'm searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do