Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
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The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago