You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
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16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Worst Native American name ever.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?