GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
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[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
opening a flower shop called women in stem
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Tuesday
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Okay, I’m still confused…
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
This is my bus stop.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.