GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
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Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
are they though??
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested