Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
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Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Baking is just science you can eat.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.