@KattsDogma: Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
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@Sickayduh: Good cop: We got you red-handed! Weatherman cop: Well there's a 70% chance of guilt but I'd go ahead and make weekend plans
@KraftDinerr: I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it's called "peeing" what a dumb idiot.
@TheMichaelRock: If you draw a picture of a butthole on the questionnaire, there's a 95% chance you'll get out of jury duty. Would be 100%. But, Texas.
@ericas_twit: Just saw a billboard: $586.25 Complete cremation. 1) Is there partial cremation? 2) What's the 25cents for?