@KattsDogma: Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
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@shutupmikeginn: I just walked in on two coworkers crying in a conference room and I was like, "mind if I join?"
@thepunningman: wife: Can't we just buy a bigger catflap? me: [buttering the cat] We're not made of money, Karen
@huntigula: ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it's my cheat day CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday ME:[leans in] why don't u mind your own gd business
@brendohare: Ants can lift something 50 times their body weight. Wow. That means you can lift a leaf. Cool. I could do that when I was 14. Tiny idiots.