Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
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I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
asked my bf how work was today
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.