Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
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what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol