[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
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Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.