Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
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Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*