Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
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People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
School be like
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Phones down.