Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
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If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
*limbos under the caution tape
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.