@Jake_Vig: Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don't want to get up there and there's no coffee.
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@neiltyson: Getting straight "A"s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting "A"s doesn't preclude it.
@SamuelHLowe: Aliens must know that we're an easily conquerable race if they've ever seen us try to cancel a printer job.
@peachesanscream: Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
@ClichedOut: Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00. Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it? E1: Lol, "amusement park."