Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
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Thursday
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.