Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
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*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.