I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
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“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job