Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
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I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
SF is the wild wild west man
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.