Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
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Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.