Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
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Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
man: wait
time: no
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill