Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
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Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Perfect.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t