I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
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Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Meow
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Most fashion shows these days…
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.