Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
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The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Just this preview of the story is enough
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages