The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
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I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
HELP 😭
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack