I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
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Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?