Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
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Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.