@AmishPornStar1: Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift's "Shake It Off" to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
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@KalvinMacleod: [pearly gates] ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven ME: ok ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns ME: abSOULutely *clouds turn to fire*
@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: you can't just deep-fry everything ME: what do you mean? WIFE: I mean put down the cat
@SternoShots: Me: Just to be safe, we should quarantine Texas and nuke it from space. CW: That seems like an overreaction to Ebola. Me: They have Ebola?