@AmishPornStar1: Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift's "Shake It Off" to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister- Me: Stop tattling. I don't want to hear about it unless there's blood. 5: Me: 5: How much blood?
@NickSwardson: I'm behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I'll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
@ShootyDoody: God's Wife: I just need some space! God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
@siddharth3: Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret