Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
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Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing