Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
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I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.