@BruceForce: Guys, I'm officially having sex tonight so please don't disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
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@JimHeskett: My buddy used to say "why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I'm the cleanest thing in the room." He's still single.
@careworn: Why do people insist on saying "You're next" to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
@thebeckyard: Me: Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your family! Dishonor on your house! Olive Garden server: Please stop! I'll bring more cheese to grate!
@jake_lach: I need to lay off the caffeine. My neighbor keeps complaining that I'm tackling her much more than usual