@BruceForce: Guys, I'm officially having sex tonight so please don't disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
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@dshack8: Coworker: Do u have a phone charger? Me: No. CW: How about the 1 on your desk? Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?! CW: OMG! *runs away*
@Tommytoughstuff: "Can I pet your dog?" "Sure, but he can be aggressive." [He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
@Parentpains: Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic breakfast in bed when they know how you got in their house.
@joshbupkes: that moment when football players come out of the locker room and realize they're all wearing the same thing again