Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
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All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Happy Taco Tuesday
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.