guys i’ve cracked the code
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me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
thanksgiving should be called feaster
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it