Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
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I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?