No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
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5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!