How many calories are in Twitter beef?
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Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake