Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
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My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
#JohnTravolta
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!