Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
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If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
How funny!
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”