me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
You Might Also Like
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.