Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
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Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Stop.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Breaking news:
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.