Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
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Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on