@kumailn: Guys, please don't judge someone based on stuff they wrote themselves in a public forum meant to reach the widest possible audience.
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@AddledPixie: I've trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they're just shitting everywhere.
@sofarrsogud: DINOSAUR PARTY TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!! *hands phone to T-Rex T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
@tastefactory: Hey water enhancer company, you could have made your pineapple flavor literally any other color.
@flashember: [to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey W: but- PLS JUST DO IT *ends phonecall* BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good