Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
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When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.