@lilgapeach30: Guys say "never trust something that bleeds seven days and doesn't die" as if something with two heads powered by one brain is trustworthy.
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@knot_eye: I can't be the only one that sees the day when a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
@Mr_Kapowski: My daughter lost her 1st tooth today so I'm staying up all night to see The Rock in a tutu.
@dixonshuman: My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn't return it.
@Ristolable: My friend and I were talking about food and he said "I'm not a big Chinese guy" and I was like "I know you're not"