@lilgapeach30: Guys say "never trust something that bleeds seven days and doesn't die" as if something with two heads powered by one brain is trustworthy.
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@daemonic3: Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor? Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing! Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I'm right here
@jake_likes_naps: *locks hands with stranger in elevator* im nervous, this is my first time flying
@bourgeoisalien: No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I'm just going to follow you home and kill you.
@robdelaney: Steve Jobs' entire legacy is invalidated by the shortness of the iPhone charger's cord.