*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
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“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Perfect
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
For anyone who needs this today
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe