Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
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Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Can’t, holding a grudge
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
english majors be like furthermore
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is