Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
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Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
buys donuts instead
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
How to find Kentucky on a map
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.