Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
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The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Yep.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*