Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
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Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.